A Bitter Infection
[Note: This is a direct transcript of the spoken audio. It reflects the natural rhythm, emotion, and raw conversation of the episode, rather than perfectly polished grammar.]
Welcome to Gritty Mama. I’m Emily, your spiritual midwife.
We don't fear the dark here—we walk through it together, because I know that in the messy, intense labor of the soul, we are never alone.
We are here to peel back the layers to meet the truth, and ultimately, to meet the One who holds it all together.
Because before there is the glow, there is always the grit, and your healing is worth the labor.
Let’s get into it.
**Over the years, I’ve learned that emotional wounds can be just as deadly as physical wounds. When left untreated they become poisonous - not just to us, but to the people we love. Today, we’re going deeper down the well of our hearts to discover WHY unforgiveness is so deadly, and HOW to recognize when your well has been contaminated… before it’s too late. Let's dig in.**
Hey friiieend, welcome back. So just a real quick recap, last week we were talking about howw the heart is the well of life, annd, when you poison the well, or in this case you Poison the heart of one, you Destroy the lives of many. Annd that poison comes in the form of unforgiveness. And we also discussed howw unforgiveness, is, a form of bondage, trapping you in a cycle of nevati-negativity that shows up as Emotional Bondage, Physical Health Issues, and Broken Relationships.
[Bitter Poison]
Todaayy, I wanna talk about how, unforgiveness, is, the poison, within our heart. [Inhale] Emotional paiinn, is the equivalent of a cut to the heart. And any cut or open wound must be cleaned.
And then, deep, or large cuts and wounds, need to be bandaged. Cuts that are not cleaned, have a tendency to become infected - regardless if there’s a bandage or not. Annnd, when that infection is left untreated, it becoommes swollen and inflamed - which physically is a bigger problem - but it also becomes more painful [reactive chuff] than the initial wuo-wound was to begin with, which, is still a bigger problem! Also, it’s poisonous. Annnd, that leads to loss, or even death.
Quick little story for you. One of myyy… life long friends… came to live with me for a short period. Annnd… when sheee, caamme, to my hoomme, she had like an ingrown toenail or something like that - some sort of wound… onn her toe, that, uh, was really infected. And it was pretty gross. [Nervous chuckle] And painful. [Inhale] Anyhoo, longer story short… I spent daaayys, cleaning this wound for herrr, making sure thaaat, the infection didn’t get worse - cuz it was pretty bad to the point where, I was, I told her, like if this doesn’t- get- betterrr, with me doing this… like within the next day or two you’re going to the hospital - because otherwise your gonna get like blood poisoning or something.
[Inhale] Anyhoo point being [exhale], infection leading to loss or death right - you don’t wanna lose your toe and you certainly don’t wanna die. [Slight inhale] I love you too much [laugh].
[Inhale] Um… have youuu - moving on from the gross tor-toi-UUEGH - anyway moving on from the gross- toe- story- [chuckle] have you ever haaad, a tooth infectionn, or some other mayb-mouth infection, maybe [short inhale]... and if sooo… did you notice that nastyy, bitter taste that you get from the infection?
OR, maybee there was a point in tiiimme, where you bit into a piece of fruit that was rotten inside, and then you tasted that nasty bitterness? Now let’s be real that is NNNOT the same kind of bitter like a sour lemon, right - it is NNNASTY - like, you might puke.
Well, this just comes to showww… poison - is - bit-terrr. Annd, when there is poison in our heart… well first of all we can’t taste it [chuckle] and it’s easy to overlook cuz it’s not, like, “in your face” - pun unintended, but, that works [laugh][inhale].
Um, and a lot of times… a lot of times, this, happens, unintentionally, or subconsciously. We don’t even know that the poison is in our heart. Annnd, remember what I was saying back in the first episode about Satan being stealthy… well this is kinda perfect right, we don’t even know it’s there - and remember John 10:10 says that he only comes to steal, kill, and destroy. And he uses the infection of bitterness to com-to accomplish death silently, from the inside out. Total destruction, minimal effort.
Now remember in the last episoode, I-[prolong], gave you a story of, the-[prolong] darkest years of my life - right. My unforgiveness, had caused me to be a verrryy- bitter- person. Which, obviously-[nervous chuff] made me, quite unpleasant to be around. Um-honestly, I didn’t even like to be around me and… I- would- voice that… during that time too. Wild. But anyway.
This bitterness, even affected how I looked at people around me. Even those whoo- had never harmed me. Maybe people I didn’t even know. But if I let them too close, thenn, they could possibly hurt me. And so then I wou-I just didn’t allow myself to get close to anybody.
The bitterness even affected how I looked at life in general. I was always pesstimi-pessimistic, nothing could ever be goood - or go right, I s-I even, stopped looking forward to the future. Like-the bitterness, seriously just, oooozed, out of me. Every orifice. Every part of my being. It caused me to, essentially, “bleed”, all over my family and poison them too.
You see, when the poison is in your heart, it will seep onto your loved ones; because they’re close to your heart, and it ends up poisoning them too. And then boom, Satan’s goal is accomplished. H-Poisoned the heart of ONE, and Destroying the lives of MANY.
This is whyyy, periodic heart checks - are - a - must. When you begin to notice that you’re becoming bitter about things, even when it doesn’t directly upset you – OR, it’s been a while since that thing has happened, that did upset you, and you realize you’re still upset or bitter about it… My frieennd, your well has been poisoned [reflexive chuff]-and is now contaminated - and you have a heart wound that needs, immediate mending, before it becomes deadly.
So now that you’ve recognized it, what do you do?
[Stinky Infection]
Well first things first, when you have a wound you have to clean it out. You can stop the beel-the bleeding and close up the wound without cleaning it, but then you’re only trapping germs and bacteria- thaat are gonna cause an infection.
To clean out- the heart wound, you have to forgive. Not forgiving and just moving on, will never- change things for the better. Years down the road you’re still gonna be miserable and hateful - regardless of your circumstances - and regardless if you even f-completely forgot about “the thing”. And prolonged- unforgiveness, is like stagnant water. It harbors- death and disease. And it’s disgusting and it stinks.
I mean I already told you about what a nasty person I was - like I stunk. [Inflection]-And in fact, thaat- isn’t just metaphorically - it even became literal. I had a nasty attitude… I was unpleasant to be around… and my depression, caused me to have poor self-care and hyging ha-hygiene habits. Which also caused, the por-the depression also caused physical - chemical - changes. So even if I did- showerrr- every single day for example, [short inhale] not saying I never showered guys, wasn’t that gross [small laugh]-but, the point being here… like actually there was times where… I did just shower that day, but yet somehow - like - my deodorant wasn’t workin’ and - it’s just - I felt gross - I felt stinky, annd - I’m sorry but when you can smell yourself, you know everybody around you can smell yourself - that’s not pleasant [nervous chuckle][inhale]- Aannywayy, moving on from that.
Unforgiveness eventually shows up physically… in some way or other. Now to go deeper than just how you smell, it also causes things like:
Heart attack
High cholesterol
Lack of sleep
High blood pressure
Anxiety
Depression - [inflection]-as you’ve already seen
Stress
And all kinds of other pain
[Inhale] As you can see - cuz I’ve mentioned multiple times now - I had depression. Aannd, in addition, I was always - stressed, and - I - did - not - sleep - well. [Inhale] In fact [exhale], my last 3 pregnancies, I even had high blood pressure and was at risk for pre-eclampsia. Ironically this is also, during these, worst years of my anger - when I was the most depressed and angry; because my circumstances never changed for the better.
Alsooo, chronic anger puts you into “fight-or-flight” mode - and it manifests, physically, resultering i-r-excuse me-resulting– in– numerous changes of:
Heart rate
Blood pressure
Immune response
And people who hang on to grudges– are more likely to experience severe depression, plus PTSD and other conditions.
Now if my story [inhale] isn’t giving you a good enough example… then I don’t know what to tell ya [slight laugh]. But when it comes to fight-or-flight mode… I-[prolong] tell you what - I was in fight mode. Gimme a reason, and I’ma put your lights out - like that was my mentality.
Iiff you would like tooo do your own research and look morrre intooo… the physical effects of, forgiveness, then goo tooo… hopnk-excuse me hopkins – medicine – dot org, there is an article by Karen Swartz, titled “Forgiveness: Your Health Depends On It.” I will also link, or-excu-I will also put a link to this, in the show notes for those of you who, find that easier. [Karen Swartz, M.D. - hopkinsmedicine.org]
In addition tooo, the physical effects that unforgiveness has, on us, it will also affect those around us. Nobody wants to see their loved ones suffer, or even die. And this is another way that Poisoning the heart of ONE will Destroy the lives of MANY. I’ve seen too many people unable to move on after the death, or even major incapacitation, of a loved one. They were emotionally damaged and unwilling to heal. It’s a sad sight to see [slight exhale] and a miserable way to live. And it also makes them unpleasant to be around as well.
[Poison’s Feast]
At this pooiint– you might be wondering whyyy does [slight inflection]-unforgiveness haavve such serious, poisonous results. Annnd, the answer to that is because– unforgiveness - is - rebellion – and rebellion iiis, essentially the same as witchcraft. [Inhale] Lemme show you. Here’s how.
God - demands - forgiveness - in several verses. A couple examples I have for you here arre, Mattheeww chapter 6, verses 14 through 15, [inhale] it says, “For if you forgive other people when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.”
Remember the story about the unforgiving servant and his demise, [inhale] yeah - no bueno [scoff]. And then the other verse - um - example that I have for you is Mark chapter 11 verse 25, [inhale] which saaays, "And when you stand praying, if you hold anything against anyone, forgive them, so that your Father in heaven may forgive you your trespasses."
[Inhale] If you ignore these scriptures, not to mention the many others, thenn you’re in disobedience. And disobedience is defined aaas an action, a failure to comply with a rule or instruction. Refusing to forgiivve, and choosing to remain angry and resentful, that goes beyond disobedience because now you’re - choosing - to stay - in that position, and that’s when you become, rebellious. And rebellion is - defined as - an inward - posture, a deep - seated, defiant rejection of authority, and a desire for absolute - independence.
So in other words you’re diggin’ in your heels and you’re being a stubborn mule.
Back with the story of myself, I did not want to forgive. I wanted - retribution. And anyyy - kind of authority - made me mad because, I wanted - to be independent, I was someone important too–Not some fragile woman who needed instruction, and I was tired of being walked onn, ignorred, disrespectedd… like it just wasn’t gonna happen–especially if you are anywhere on the same level as me, and not actually in a position of authority [derisive grunt][inhale]... best belieeeeve… I wasn’t havin’ it–nope [sardonic chuckle] –I’m sure you can probably relate, right?
Alsoo–in my anger, I was - hoping - for a fight with a stranger – remember what I said about “fight-or-flight”? – yeah. My mentality was “gimme a reason to put my fist through your face” – and my attitude was, “you might win, but I will break you – and we can just be in the hospital together.” [Inhale] Nnnone of that is Godly, let’s be real.
So as you can seee, rebellion - is more than - disobedience and stubborness - it’s an act of defiance. And defiance is the act of openly refusing to obey someone or something, characterized by, bold - or daring - resistance - to authority - or power. [Inhale] And this is where we get to rebellion being, the same as witchcraft.
First Samuel 15:23 says, “For rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft, and - stubbornness - is as iniquity and idolatry.”
Now iniquity is one of those words that I have to look up every single time cuz for some reasonnn–I just can’t - remember the definition ever. So for those of you wonderiinngg, iniquity means, “immoral behavior, wickedness, or - a gross - injustice.”
Now as you can see through, the example of my story and even the unforgiving servant from the last story, aannd - First Samuel, unforgiveness - is - stubborness - because you’re refusing to change your mind - and even your actions.
In other worrrds, just a surface level description of, someone who’s unforgiving, would beee a disobedient–stubborn–selfish little witch [wry chuckle]-like let’s be real. Annnd that alone, iss - a triple whammy, right – I mean that’s at least 3 doors for the enemy to come in.
I-like that saying “three strikes–you’re out” right. Funny enough, that makes me think of bowling – I love bowling what can I say – where if you get three strikes, it’s called a turkey. But then when I hear turkey I think of a th-, Thanksgiving feast. But then when I realize we’re talking about, the poison of unforgiveness I realize, the poison is feasting on y- on us. [Nervous chuckle]-So-o umm, that’s not a very - pleasant - picture - when you realize the spiritual happenings of [inflection]-wh-h-at’s going on when you refuse to forgive. [Inhale] Annd it certainly isn’t – pleasant to live through, e-I know cuz I’ve lived through it.
[Exposure Heals]
Anywhoo, if you’re listening to this right now and you’re feel expoossed or caalled oouut, or maybe you feel the weight of realizing that an uncleaned wound has turned into a bitter infection, and that it’s leaking into your life and your relationships… first of all I want you to take a deep breath. [Deep inhale][large exhale] [chuckle-speech] I’ll join you on that.
[Inhale] A diagnosis can feel [sighed speech] incredibly heavy. But you have to remember this! A doctor doesn't expose an infection – to leave you – terminal. They expose it so they can finally… treat it. The exposure, [chuckle-speech] is actually the first step of your rescue… of your healing.
You do not have to live, with a toxic well. And you do not have to keep [inflection] drowning under the weight of this condition. There is a way out, and the water can be made pure again.
Next week in our final episode of this series, you’re gonna learn how to Let It Go. We are moving out of the diagnosis, and straight into the cure. We are going to look at the powerful, life-altering science, and original language of what true forgiveness actually means. I’m going to show you how to shock the water, and decontaminate your well. And how God promises to step into your mess and bind up your broken heart.
The infection stops here friend. So join me next week, [inflection] and let’s get your life back.
Hey friend!
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m’Bye
